THE ROLE OF “UNCONDITIONAL LOVE” IN SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGES

Often times, people mistake ‘Love’ for ‘Unconditional Love’. These are two very different things, and as much as both are needed in any marriage, their roles are not the same. Love brings two people together, Unconditional Love keeps them together long after Love is gone.

Let’s discuss these two very important key ingredients for successful marriages;

What Is Love?

According to the online Wikipedia; Love is a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes that ranges from interpersonal affection ("I love my mother") to pleasure ("I loved that meal"). It can refer to an emotion of a strong attraction and personal attachment. It can also be a virtue representing human kindness, compassion, and affection—"the unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another". It may also describe compassionate and affectionate actions towards other humans, one's self or animals.

What Is Unconditional Love?

Rather than try to explain this in word definitions, I’ll explain with two references that are directly related to us as humans.

1.       GOD’S LOVE: Across various (if not all) faiths and their related scriptures, GOD is perceived as the ultimate definition of Love. The general faith and belief of Christians for example is wholly based on the understanding that “For God So Love The World, That He Gave His Only Begotten Son...” as recorded in John 3:16 in the bible. Taking this context into perceptive, what measure of Love surpasses one which loves you anyways, not minding the fact that you spend most of your time forgetting it and living in abject defiance to its rules and commandments as your Law?

In this context, this love is so strong that it willingly gives that which is dearest to it just so you can escape the punishments for your disobedience and nature of sin.

Imagine your dog pees on your very expensive dress, or your housemaid accidentally breaks a glass cup, do you take it out on your child so that the dog or housemaid can go unpunished? Bear in mind that none of these actions that upsets you so much are even intentionally done, as against a Christian who consciously lies or steals and still receives God’s pardon through punishments meted out on his son for the Christian’s sake.

Is this something you can do for a person? Only if you love such a person to a degree where your pains matters little to you as long as they are happy. Only if you love such a person unconditionally, as God in the Christian context love the world.

2.       A PARENT’S LOVE: Have you ever taken your time to put your parents’ lives into perceptive, as it relates to your needs and theirs? The day you do so is the day you stop taking them for granted and start appreciating them more.

Most of us with middle-class or poor parents can relate better to this (this isn’t to say it doesn’t apply to rich parents too). Imagine parents who receive their salary at the end of the month and decide to pay your school fees, stock the house so there is food for everyone, replace your old clothes, buy you new books, pay your hospital bills if you happen to fall sick, enroll you for extra academic lessons, buy you presents to celebrate important dates, save up for your other impending needs, etc. But the same parents also need new clothes, tuition for a new professional course, money for land or completion of their house project, money to buy a car or replace an old one to aid their mobility and improve their societal status, money for a new business venture, money for a well-deserved vacation for their hard work on their jobs and at home, or just buy themselves something nice because after all it is their money, but will put all of these on hold till first your needs are met.

On and on this goes. The parents work and invest the bulk of the money they make from this on developing you from one stage in life to another and never stop spending till you are able to stand on your own and fend for yourself. In the process, most of their own needs are foregone completely and because they age as you grow, they become feeble with time and can no longer work as much. By the time they’re done spending on you, they’re either retired or close to it, leaving them with just stipends to get by till the Maker calls them home (except for a few lucky ones who make well enough to be able to save up and/or start a viable business(es) in retirement, or have children who have early starts and puts their needs as priority in their spending).

The sad reality however is, growing up most children receive these favours without realizing they are favours, seeing them rather as their rights. Do you give thanks when your right is done to you? Mostly not. But do our parents mind? Absolutely not!

Even sadder is the fact that despite their sacrifices, we always want to have our way, constantly disobeying them in the process, especially during puberty. In the end we blame it all on youthful exuberance and other ready-made societal excuses to justify our rebellious actions. In the process, many children cause their parents pain and heartache, putting them through all sorts of unimaginable problems.

But guess who is always there for you no matter how big the ‘yawa’ is or how far you’ve strayed, when everybody else deserts you and you’re seemingly by yourself? It’s those same parents who technically are the most pained by your actions given they have the most at stake haven dedicated their whole life to training you and investing in making you someone in life. Rather than leave you to your problem, that unconditional love still drives them to make whatever bothers you their headache too.

The lesson here is that, with all that you take from them and everything else you put them through, parents will only be happy when you are happy, and will always be sad when/if you are not okay. Whatever way it affects them is always secondary, which almost means that they love you more than they love themselves. This kind of love is second only to the love of GOD. It is the best example of unconditional love among humans.

The Relationship Between Marriages And ‘Love’/‘Unconditional Love’

There are a very many number of human relationships. The most important across many faiths is the union of two lovers in holy matrimony, a marriage.

The marriage across religions is so sacred that a lot of teachings and values are hinged on it. In Islam for example, it is said that of all the things GOD made Halal (permissible) to believers, divorce is that in which HE is most displeased, meaning two lovers who have been joined in marriage can part ways if they can no longer get along but GOD is displeased with such. This is also reiterated in the Christian’s version of marriage teachings as couples’ are joined together with the famous clause, “What God has joined together, let no man put asunder.” No man in this context includes even the couple themselves.

Now, of course. Love is the uniting factor for any union, but love in itself is not enough to hold a union together as described in these fundamentals of marriage, because Love is just one factor in a much larger umbrella factor necessary for a marriage to succeed. This umbrella factor is the selfless and ever-enduring Unconditional Love.

Love dies, it wears out, it diminishes. Unconditional Love tolerates, it’s patient, it endures, it perseveres, it forgives, and it lasts forever.

In the scriptures, Adam lost a rib for Eve to come to life. Without the rib, Adam is flawed and incomplete. The rib as a single entity also, is flawed and far from complete. A marriage which brings a man and a woman together recognize that one needs the other to be closer to perfection than being alone. In the eyes of God, a married couple is one entity, as their union as a couple is bigger than the individuals in the union.

The same imperfect and undeserving individual who God has loved despite his unworthiness, and whose parents have lived a life of sacrifice for despite all human flaws, is still the same me and you that get into marriages, still as imperfect and as unworthy of being loved. Just as GOD and parents have done for you, you must be able to love the person you are getting married to beyond their imperfections (as long are they are willing to better themselves) before you venture into marriage with the person. If you haven’t found a person you can love unconditionally even with all these factors, you haven’t found the right person yet.

For an imperfect partner also, it’s not enough to want to continue being loved without making any conscious efforts to better yourself for the sake of your partner, because if your love for him/her is unconditional, there’s nothing too big or too small to change about yourself as long as it makes him/her happy. With each partner striving to be better for the other partner, in time they will be just perfect for each other and stronger together against any form of negativity they might encounter in life.

Unconditional Love is made up of Love, Affection, Tolerance, Patience, Endurance, Perseverance and the Willingness to Forgive. A union without a combination of all these has no guarantee of lasting longer than the honeymoon phase. This is because among other constants in marriages, hurt and pains are probably the biggest. If both partners don’t learn to look beyond the imperfections of the other partner and put their union before personal feelings in all matters by forgiving when the other errs, such a marriage will not last. An act of vengeance in a union or the total dissolution of one may momentarily make the vengeful party happy, but it saddens GOD and gladdens the devil.

It is said that: ‘Love is what is left when Falling-In-Love is over’; so also is: ‘Unconditional Love is what is left when Love is over.’ This is because it takes Love to bring a couple together, but it takes Unconditional Love to keep the couple together.

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IBRAHIM B. IBRAHIM

July 2015

(Pictures courtesy: hdwallpapersrocks, thebridgemaker, pinterest, deviantart).